Cocooning, in terms of adoption, is a subject that I have pretty much avoided. It involves setting boundaries, saying "No" a lot, and well, that makes me squirm.
The social workers, psychologists, etc. say you should really keep adopted babies home “cocooning” anywhere from 3 to 6 months, to give them time to understand that their little world is safe and isn’t going to turn upside down on them again. This cocooning involves rarely leaving the house, limiting visitors, and allowing no one but parents to care for babies basic needs. (So to everyone who was dying to change his poopie diaper: sorry, hate to disappoint you!)
I have never been a person who blindly follows psychobabble, but this concept seems logical, even if it isn't something most people would think of on their own. Most people see a 9 month old baby and think of every other 9 month of baby they have ever known. However, the only times my little boy has been out in the world were when his birth mother gave him up, to go to court, and to go to the hospital for his surgery. Not pleasant experiences. Now I will be stripping him of everything that is familiar, every person to whom he has formed any sort of attachment. Everything will sound different (language), feel different (climate), smell different (food, pollution, etc.)
I had planned to just see what happens. I figured once I had him home, I would be able feel him out. Gauge how he was adjusting and then make the necessary decisions.
But alas, I can't avoid the subject anymore. My baby shower is scheduled for about one week after Harrison arrives home. I think I am going to need to cancel it all together. With everything else I have had to miss out on in regards to babies, I didn’t want to miss that too. But I just don't think I can do it to Harry. He will have gone through so much, a party would be way too much on him.
Some "experts" go so far as to say, take the baby nowhere, not even church. I, of course, am not going to give up church for 3 to 6 months, but he sure isn’t going into the nursery. I don’t plan to take any trips, or go to any parties. For how long? I am not sure.
Any adoption friends have any thoughts on this? Or non-adoption friends?
9 comments:
That is very interesting! Doesn't sound so psychobabble-ish...sounds smart. Have Timmy open presents and someone video it;) or your mom;) Welcome to the mommy club of canceling, missing and sweats;) You are missing for a pretty good reason though;)!!!! Let people bless you though, have someone go in your stead!
Hmm. I read a lot about the cocooning idea when we were adopting, too. I anticipated bringing our son home, and staying there. Another friend of mine who was adopting said something that I couldn't really shake- just about how during this process so many friends and family members had prayed, hoped, waited, cried-- and really run the gamut of emotions with them through this whole process. And she wondered if keeping her baby away from them wouldn't rob them a little of that joy. I thought that was a really point.
So I decided I wouldn't cocoon like I had originally thought I might, and at that point I sort of decided to wait and see. When we brought our son home, he was curious about everything, and happy to go to anyone. He came home right before Christmas, so it wasn't really feasible for us to stay at home- we had many family gatherings to attend. But he was so genuinely fine-- smiling and laughing with his new cousins and aunties and uncles and grandpa's and grandma's... it was a joy to see him bonding with them, too.
We never put him in the nursery or left him anywhere apart from us. And another tip: ALWAYS have a Baby Bjorn or sling handy. It's a good way of being able to bring your sweet boy out, but not pass him around. :) That way they have the joy of seeing him and adoring him and rejoicing with you, but he gets to snuggle close to mama while that's all happening!
Just my humble opinion,
Stacy
Thanks Stacy! I was hoping you would chime in on this one.
Sounds like good advice. I never planned to follow too strictly, we have very dear friends driving 10 hours to meet him when he gets here. And I know I would be no good at staying in the house for an extended period of time!
I like your idea of always having a sling. That way, I can bring him out, but still closely gauge how he is doing.
Thanks for your help!
I just found your site, I too am on the journey of Guatemalan adoption.
Re your question, I wasn't sure originally but now it makes sense to me. I don't think every baby will need 3-6 months of it, but I am definately going to make sure I do it for as long as my baby needs. Great post!
http://aspecialfamily.blogspot.com
Hey you-
I have been contemplating this all too...how hard will it be on me to not "show him off"...how hard will it be on him to "be shown off"..etc..you kno what I mean..I guess we could do a litle cocooning but feel the situation out??
Why not let Tim go in place for you to the shower, or you go alone and Tim stay home with Harry? You need to let those people bless you!! You deserve it!
Love ya girl!
mandy
Charlotte, I have perhaps an interesting perspective since I am both a psychologist and an adoptive mom. :-) We did not cocoon. In fact, remember we had the newspaper reporter following us all week. We had family over. I will say that I think we played it in the middle. We didn't stop having people over or going to church what we DID do was watch Lily closely for signs of anxiety. I didn't let people pass her around to be held when she was crying and whenever she got rattled I took her back and comforted her. My thought was that would HELP the bonding to know that when there's a 'scary' stimulus, the 'new mama' is the one who removes me from it. We also didn't leave her in the church nursery until after a couple months, but she had NO trouble adjusting. I think she was thinking they were 'special mothers' like at HH.
I read all the cocooning stuff as well. Some psychobabble, some not. My two cents, Tanner adjusted remarkabley well. I beleive there is a big difference between a baby in foster care with one caretaker and babies cared for at HH. We had our mom's with us in Guat, and Tanner bonded to them as well. Blake's mom came back on Christmas and I think Tanner remembered her! But we avoided leaving the house for about 2 weeks. Christmas was our first church - but no nursery. He did great, loved looking around. Everything is different, you are right. So we take it slow. We give him time to get comfortable. I could tell the first couple mornings Tanner knew he was somewhere different. Bottom line for us is no one else can feed him, or change him , or comfort him, or cuddle with him yet. We have taken him out and he has been around other kids, but the boundaries are up and 'others' are limited to good friends. I can't wait to see the first pic of Harrison in your arms! Cocoon or not he won't be out of your arms much!
Yep, cocooning is a hot topic in the adoption community. Here’s what we did. We thought we would cocoon for Carlos’ sake, but it was actually Jeremiah who needed time at home more! As a baby Jeremiah dealt with stress (stimulation) by falling asleep. Anywhere we went with more than 5 people, he would fall right to sleep. So I tried to limit our time out. But the hard part was Carlos LOVED going out….it did not matter where, he just loved going! After being at HH where he had lots of activities and lots of playmates, our house was a little boring. We went to church 3 weeks after we got home and sat in the balcony and left before the service was over. After that week we just sat in the back and Jeremiah would take his bottle and morning nap during the service. We have quite a few families who have adopted at our church and we were pretty vocal about who would hold Jeremiah, so no one really asked. And after waiting for so long, I just did not want to let him out of my arms. Also Jeremiah is a shy little boy. He does not like strangers, he will not smile at them and he will not go to them….and strangely that helped a lot. I would just say, he’s a little scared of people he does not know (as he has a death grip around my neck)!! Jeremiah has been home almost a year and just last month did he really start to like my mom…and we are together several times each week. He just warms up VERY slowly.
We also had people over to our house (instead of going out to our family or friends homes). We felt It was good for our boys to see that people come and go, but Mommy and Papa always stay. And Jeremiah could take his naps in his own bed…always a plus!
I would say, take a week, learn about your baby (that was the hardest part for me….not knowing my little boys needs right off….just trying to figure out their personality). And then let him be the deciding factor.
Ok this is super long, but I have one more thing! Snuggle A LOT! Jeremiah did NOT like to snuggle….he was stiff and not want to be close. So once I figured out (thanks to Stacy) that his stiffness was not healthy I spent a lot of snuggle time every day with him helping him to learn and to trust (ok, I actually forced him to snuggle….He did NOT like it at all…..at first). In about a week, I saw a HUGE difference. And now he loves to snuggle up to me, especially just after or just before going to bed.
So to end this novel, let your baby be the guide and don’t be afraid to say no.
As the mom of 4 adopted kids who came home between 4 months and 20 months of age, I second several of the excellent suggestions above.
I personally do NOT hand off my kids to anyone except Dad and grandparents for at least 2-3 months. The baby carrier is a great idea for fending off over-friendly people.
We usually stay home a couple weeks, but I don't think bring out is awful on most kids as long as you keep your child WITH you. He should not have to fear that he is going to be handed to anyone who holds out their arms-- even if he's OK with it, it's not the best thing for attachment. In fact, some kids will seek out strangers to go to instead of Mom-definitely a bad sign.
Sarah made an excellent point also about 'forcing' snuggles if necessary. Some kids will resist at first. but they need snuggles whether they know it or not.
All the best!
Mary
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