Faith

My heart just aches tonight for the many friends that are hurting. We are on a journey of faith together.

Faith has been an issue for me. True faith... Not telling God what to do and expecting Him to deliver, but actually leaving the decisions up to Him and trusting His hand to protect and provide, where ever He leads. See once I figured out what faith wasn't (hocus pocus), I was scared to death about what it was (surrender).

When I surrender, He can lead me places I don't want to go. When I surrender, my comfort zone is gone. Oh, I have been through periods of surrender before, but the stakes were never this high. Of course, God loves me too much to allow me to avoid His will indefinitely. And so He has brought me to a place where I have nothing but Him to rely on. Only from His hand will I receive what I need.

Even though none of what is happening to me and to my friends seems to make sense, (Why would God allow this or that? What possible good can come from my baby living in an orphanage?) I just have to remember His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts.

I was thinking about this today holding my little dog, Sadie. I love my little Sadie, as silly as it sounds, she brings so much happiness to my and Tim’s life. Today was a gorgeous day here in Maryland, in the 70’s all day. New carpet was being installed in our house and their were so many ways that my little doggie could get into trouble or get hurt. So I made her stay outside. She could run around in the yard or relax on the porch, but she could not come inside. Well, this made her miserable! She just wanted to be in... She barked and cried and whined. She looked so pathetic. I felt really bad for her, but I just couldn’t risk letting her inside.

So I went out for awhile, let her jump into my arms and I hugged and kissed her. I could offer her my comfort, but I just could not give her what she wanted. Even though she could not understand, I knew better than she did and I could not let her go in. Her little doggie brain is never going to be able to grasp why I make the decisions I make for her, but even still, I love her and must make good decisions for her.

Pardon the crude analogy, but... How much more wise are the decisions my Lord makes for me? And how much more does He love me, than I love a dog? Even when I cannot see any possible reason why things are happening as they are, I have to trust Him. I have to trust that He sees and understand things that are beyond my comprehension, and He takes all of it into consideration as He makes the best decisions for ALL of His creation simultaneously. And still when we question Him, He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.

This is faith, when all you can see is darkness, and you cannot comprehend where you are going or why you are there, still trusting His hand.

JAMES 1:2-4 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance has it’s perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete lacking nothing.

A Divine Mix

Philippians is my book right now, meaty stuff. Tonight I was meditating on 3:7-14 - we've heard these verses a million times, but the truth is so tangible it lifts the soul. Especially verse 9 & 10 for me right now.

"...Not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death..."

God is stripping me, and forcing me to live by faith. When I would much prefer to rely on "my own righteousness." When I feel like I cannot take another breath, from the crushing pain of being without my beautiful child, I have nothing but faith, nothing but Him. It is the epitome of bittersweet... Oh, how my heart aches and yet the Father is so near, a constant source of comfort and reassurance. It is not quite like anything I have ever experienced before. It is tangible. Agony and pure joy coexisting.

Though my son is so far away, my Father is so very close.

What we need the most

Give us this day, Lord,
Not the miracles our human hearts long for,
Not the proud but brief satisfaction of saying to doubters,
"I told you so!"
But give us daily bread, only that which
You see will truly nourish us in our pilgrimage toward home.

~Elisabeth Elliott

Pain is okay

So, it has been awhile, but I have an excuse: the only thing I have wanted to write about, was something that I have to be very careful writing about here...

I miss him so much. The wait feels unbearable most days, and I seem to cry at the drop of a hat lately. The diaper aisle at the grocery store is my new favorite.

What God has been showing me is that my pain is in the center of His will, and if I want to embrace His will, I will be embracing the pain. No coping mechanisms, no hiding from the pain. It is actually quite freeing. This is not supposed to feel good. It should hurt. Something would be really wrong, if I was fine, if I met my son, hugged and kissed and fell totally in love with him, and now months later, I was just fine. No, I have never experienced love like this before, and so, I have never experienced pain like this before. When God called me to adoption He called me to this. The process certainly did not take Him by surprise.

I am not saying that I can just sit around and wallow in my pain. (Not that I don't have my moments.) But I must press on, daily (or even hourly) laying my pain at this feet of Jesus. Like Paul with his thorn, I plead that my burden may depart from me, that the wait would end. But like Paul, I know that His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in weakness. And I am not in short supply of weakness, so there is plenty of room for His power.

I was praying the other day and I realized, each day God gives me enough grace for that day. When I start thinking of tomorrow, I become faint of heart, but when I live in the grace that God has provided for today, I am okay.

The Collect

This was the Collect of the day Sunday. Definitely something to meditate on.

Blessed Lord, who caused all holy Scriptures to be written for our learning: Grant us so to hear them, read, mark, learn, and inwardly digest them, that we may embrace and ever hold fast the blessed hope of everlasting life, which you have given us in our Savior Jesus Christ; who lives and reigns with you and the Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

~BCP

Tomorrow is Election Day

READ! READ! READ!

If you are only half as disillusioned as I have been lately in regards to politics, you should read John Piper's article and then...

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

Big News!

The results are in...

After almost 4 months of an agonizing wait...

At 5:00 pm today, the results of the Maryland Bar came in...

TIM PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby's First Halloween

My nephew, Brayden... the cutest frog I have ever seen...

Check it out...

Sesame Street will be celebrating National Adoption Month by airing 2 episodes (11/6 &11/7 at 10am), in which Gina travels to Guatemala to adopt a baby boy.