Pain is okay

So, it has been awhile, but I have an excuse: the only thing I have wanted to write about, was something that I have to be very careful writing about here...

I miss him so much. The wait feels unbearable most days, and I seem to cry at the drop of a hat lately. The diaper aisle at the grocery store is my new favorite.

What God has been showing me is that my pain is in the center of His will, and if I want to embrace His will, I will be embracing the pain. No coping mechanisms, no hiding from the pain. It is actually quite freeing. This is not supposed to feel good. It should hurt. Something would be really wrong, if I was fine, if I met my son, hugged and kissed and fell totally in love with him, and now months later, I was just fine. No, I have never experienced love like this before, and so, I have never experienced pain like this before. When God called me to adoption He called me to this. The process certainly did not take Him by surprise.

I am not saying that I can just sit around and wallow in my pain. (Not that I don't have my moments.) But I must press on, daily (or even hourly) laying my pain at this feet of Jesus. Like Paul with his thorn, I plead that my burden may depart from me, that the wait would end. But like Paul, I know that His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in weakness. And I am not in short supply of weakness, so there is plenty of room for His power.

I was praying the other day and I realized, each day God gives me enough grace for that day. When I start thinking of tomorrow, I become faint of heart, but when I live in the grace that God has provided for today, I am okay.